Quiet

We had a rather fractious week last week, and yesterday I found myself in need of some quiet and solitude.

Every weekend for months now, my dad has taken both older children on some fun adventure - camping trips, river trips, boating trips.  It's been a blast, but last week they got to the end of their rope.  This past weekend he wanted to go to the springs with them.  But they were exhausted.  Grouchy.  Whiny.  Horrible.  I said no.

They spent all week screeching at each other and fighting over stupid things.  For me, it was exhausting.  Mirin had eaten some disgusting muffin that didn't agree with him, and he was back into surly Mr. Hyde mode.   Bad food affects him so strongly.  On Monday he looked at his math homeschool work for five seconds, and then had a huge tantrum about it.  Yes, sometimes there are days like that with homeschooling.  Whenever I go to a social gathering where I meet new people and say that we homeschool, there are always people who look at me guiltily and say they wish they could homeschool, but yatta yatta yatta.

Believe me, I know why more people don't homeschool.  It's hard, often ungrateful work at times.  Other times it is beautiful, wonderful, harmonious.  But not last week.  Last week it was awful.  Mirin yelling at me that he wanted to go to regular school because I was "a horrible, mean teacher" to make him look at math instead of running around outside all day.  I'm depriving him because he doesn't have his own iphone, so he can't text the boy who lives across the street. 

(I quickly pointed out that he wouldn't be able to text him anyway....as he was in school.....)

It was, in many ways, a heart-breaking week.  Later, he apologized.  "I know I was kind of a jerk this week," he said.  Yes.  Kind of a jerk.  I am trying to forgive.  He is doing better now.  He's been calmer, nicer.  Making an effort, even crawling into my lap and wanting me to hug him again.  I guess that is what the pre-teen years are like.  He's not quite ready to ditch us and not look back.

We didn't do anything for the equinox, because I was too tired.  I felt so strange that day, like I was dizzy and sick.  I felt overwhelmed with heartbreak and old sorrows.  I heard there was a solar eclipse that day.  In ancient Persian tradition (and also European), the equinox is the beginning of the new year.  It's when you leave old darknesses behind and refresh yourself.  It's a time to let go of things, and make room for the new.